Dispatches from the wilds of Proseambique – Novelty

People who criticise our methods just never understand. Oh, they make jokes about laser-infused sharks like it’s all so ridiculous, but really, did they imagine that we managed to become the heads of multi-billion-dollar empires by being incompetent, or inefficient? Yes, a bullet to the head is a quick and effective way to deal with one’s enemies. But you have to understand something; you don’t build a multi-billion-dollar evil empire without cracking a few skulls. With bullets. And by “a few”, I mean “quite a lot”.

And frankly, after a while, that just gets a little tiresome. “Oh, I’m just going to watch a prisoner get dispatched, execution-style with a standard-minion-issue pistol for the nine-hundredth time!” Dear god, shoot me in the head while you’re at it.

We are human, after all, we evil genii. We have that same appetite for novelty that has you refreshing Reddit every 15 minutes like a well-trained lab-rat, or petitioning for a new Joss Whedon series, or however it is that you ordinary people amuse yourselves. But we just have different tastes. In much the same way that a millionaire doesn’t get any thrill from betting $50 a hand in a game of poker, so too do we need to play a high-stakes game. And when we spend our working hours organising the sinking of entire continents, or the extermination of humanity from our orbiting sky-fortress, we can’t be expected to be satiated by something as pedestrian as a bullet in a brainpan.

So yes, we will try and drown you in molten gold, or asphyxiate you with moon-dust, or feed you to our genetically engineered mutant pets. You really think that seems so improbable? Look up Bamboo torture on WikiPedia. Then ask yourself how probable it is that a lone man, unarmed and left to die, could bring down an entire ruthlessly organised empire?

Yeah, and they call us crazy.

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Published in: on August 11, 2011 at 11:59 pm  Leave a Comment  

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