Dispatches from the wilds of Proseambique – Cats

The religion of cats resembles, most closely, the karmic religions of the east. Karmic religions rest on the fairly simple precept that, if you do good things, good things will happen to you – if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you. In a similar fashion, the feline religion states; if you are a cat, good things will happen to you. If you are not a cat, well, why would you not be a cat?

Of course, bad things do sometimes happen to cats – food is not served promptly or in the desired fashion or of the expected quality, human beings fail to fully respect their position as cushions, scratching posts, or whatever utility one feels they should best be serving, and then, of course, there are the dogs.

When bad things happen, it is most important that a cat immediately acts to redress the feline balance of the universe; hissing, scratching, biting and treating any and every thing with an utter air of disdain and contempt, are all effective methods of achieving this – ultimately, the solution is to act as cattishly as possible.

Dogs are the ultimate anathema. Their very name reveals them to be the inverse of God; the most unclean, unholy, uncat beings in existence. Given that they are so uncat, it is imperative that all cats are forever vigilant in maintaining the feline balance – if you are a cat, good things will happen to you; if you are not a cat…

(This rule, naturally, also applies – albeit less vehemently – to all lesser species; such as birds, mice and humans.)

The feline religion has no concept of the afterlife, for it needs none. The rewards of the religion are simple and instant; so long as you are a cat, you shall be granted the ultimate divine favour:

that of being a cat.

Published in: on May 20, 2010 at 5:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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