Once again, dear readers, we find ourselves witness to the political lunacy that deservedly earns that tag “only in America, folks!” I am speaking, of course, of the website Less Jobs, More Wars. Now, before you start lambasting me with incredulity; “what’s wrong with that?”, “that’s a great idea!”, &c., let me explain something: the site is satirical. That’s right. The truth of the matter is that their real beliefs are so palpably absurd that they’re practically obscene: these panty-waist liberals don’t actually believe in the excellent philosophy of less jobs and more wars. Quite the opposite; they actually want more jobs and less wars. That’s right, you heard me, MORE jobs, LESS wars. And what’s worse, they actually mock the rational (pro-unemployment, anti-pacifism) view. Extraordinary!
Indeed, even as you sit (undoubtedly at your office desk) reading this, the liberals are conspiring to steal your precious free time and replace it with back-breaking hard work! There was another political leader who gained prominence for revitalising a flagging economy and creating new jobs – you know what his name was? Hitler. That’s right, I said it, Godwin’s law be damned, these jerks are out-and-out Nazis. Not only is it bad enough that they think that you should be working more, but they want all sorts of other people in the workplace – women, for instance! even single mothers! Indeed, so great is their fetish for suffering (“employment” being the “politically correct” parlance) that they even want to put criminals in the workplace! If you don’t believe me, just ask one! They’ll tell you that “reformed criminals” deserve a “fair go” in the workplace – apparently we’re supposed to believe that just because they’ve “served their time”, little Johnny-baby-eater can be trusted with our precious paper-clips. NOT IN MY STATIONERY CUPBOARD, thankyouverymuch.
Now, as if all that wasn’t bad enough, they’ve decided to compound their sins by taking away our god-given right to blow shit (and people) up. Human beings love war, we revel in it – it’s in our very nature. We invented flint weapons before fire, the wheel, writing and religion. Just look at the predominant genres of computer games currently being sold: First Person Shooters and Real Time Strategy. We love movies like Saving Private Ryan, A Few Good Men and Forrest Gump. Who here can honestly say they didn’t stay up all night devouring Sun Tzu’s The Art of War the first time they read it? Who doesn’t get weak at the knees at the sight of John Rambo, Horatio Hornblower or Winston Churchill? There’s nothing we love more than a good war – so much so that we’ll go to war on the flimsiest of excuses. And yet these long-haired hippy pinkos want to take away a universal pastime that pre-dates history itself, an activity so natural even ants do it – and for what? Because it’s not “nice”? Not “good for us”? “A tool for major corporations to exploitatively reap huge profits at the expense of innocents”? Mark my words; give in, and they’ll use the same excuse to take candy from babies next. War is what makes the world a place worth living – just imagine a world without war; what would we do? Sit around crocheting place-mats? Have high tea and discuss the latest BBC miniseries staring Colin *swoon* Firth? The men of the world would end up such a bunch of pillow-biting nancy-boys that there sure as shootin’ wouldn’t be any baby makin’ getting done.
At least it would save them the trouble of stealing the candy.