(Wherein our intrepid hero breaks the biggest story never told)
My friends, I write to you to tell you of a grave and terrifying threat to our safety, security and future happiness. The war on terror is in error – it is an unwinnable battle against an unspecified enemy using funds that could well be directed elsewhere, at a far greater threat. According to the U.S. Department of State, (combined with this list on Wikipedia for the more recent statistics), an average of 70 people have died in the U.S. every year from terrorist attacks since 1961. This statistic, whilst sad, pales in comparison to the threat lurking amongst us. For secretly, in the shadows, under our very noses, there lurks a threat which kills fully 125 people every year. That’s almost double. What’s more, this reign of terror stretches back well beyond 1961; indeed, these silent killers have been practising their dark trade since before recorded history. And no, I’m not talking about ninjas – rather, this mass-murderer is none other than the humble peanut. That’s right: an ordinary peanut is twice as deadly as Osama Bin Laden.
It is for this reason that we must immediately redirect our attentions from the war on terror to the war on peanuts. However, the simple naked threat posed by these dangerous entities is, I know, not enough justification for the limp-wristed liberals out there. Therefore, I have compiled a set of further reasons as to why the peanut is the greatest threat the western world currently faces, and why it would be better to go to war with them:
1. January 14, 2002 – Mere months after the September 11 attacks, U.S. president George W. Bush chokes on a pretzel. What does this have to do with peanuts? Simple: peanuts and pretzels are both salty bar snacks. There is a clear and known association between them. It’s a known known. The connection between pretzels and peanuts could not be clearer, and this incident was undeniably an assassination attempt.
2. For the more cynical of you, it’s possible to extract oil from peanuts. It is almost certainly a lot easier than getting it out of the middle east.
3. We know where they are. Hell, you can find them at your local supermarket.
5. June 6, 2007 – The cancelled television show Jericho is resurrected when the offices of CBS are inundated with 20 tonnes of peanuts – that’s 8 million of the blighters. The show, which revolves around the nuclear destruction of the United States of America, is quite obviously a hit with terrorists.
6. Every plane that has ever been hijacked, bombed, crashed, delayed, diverted, or had a Julia Roberts film on the in-flight entertainment system has one thing in common: they all had peanuts on board. Coincidence?
And the best part of it is, this isn’t some distant war being fought somewhere you can’t even find on a map; no, you can help fight this war right here, at home. I myself have peanut-butter on toast every morning – and as I bite into the smeared corpses of our greatest enemy, and grind the crisp fragments of their shattered bones between my teeth, I enjoy the fine, delicious flavour of patriotism.