(Wherein our hero discovers patience is a virtue, but nowhere near as virtuous as a good fedora)
On my final day in the Americas, having flown from New York to Los Angeles (and having been surprised with business class seats, thanks to dad – verily, friends, it is the only way to travel!) I naturally had only one thought for how I would spend my day in LA. DISNEYLAND!!! “The happiest place on earth”, they call it. Well, I accepted that challenge. I began by watching some classic Mickey Mouse cartoons, being shocked to discover that our dear Mickey quite happily indulged in animal abuse, and, frankly, sexual assault. Once again, I found our primitive ways mocked by these Americans, with their future-worlds. Naturally, I rode the space mountain, and the MIGHTY WORM of the 45 minute line that preceded it. Truly friends, Disneyland is a land of queues. The line for Splash Mountain? 70 minutes. I took a quick drive through toon town, (courtesy of my newly minted learner’s license) and found that I had to stop for a refreshing cup of tea, before continuing on for piratical adventures. When I got there, they had just reopened the line, after closing it for some unspecified reason. The result? No wait for Spencer! It is a sad thing to say, but that may have been one of the most exciting things to happen. Seriously – no wait. They’ve added the characters from the film into the ride as well, but fortunately not in an especially obnoxious way. Did I ride the Indiana Jones ride, you ask? Verily! Twice! The first time, the lady whose job it was to check that we were all buckled into the car correctly said to me ” You should remove your hat, because it’ll come off during the ride, and you’ll lose it forever .” My gruff reply? “Lady, my hat was built for this ride.” Surrounded by so many fedora’d personages (truly friends, the Indiana Jones ride is a girls-in-fedoras-lover’s paradise) Indiana Harding found himself pondering, “Have I found my spiritual home?” Possibly! (I did receive several hat-compliments, as well, I must add). I found my self confused by disingenuous signage, but finally found myself relenting to Walt’s unstoppable juggernaut , before dashing back to the hotel to get the shuttle to the airport.
Thus, dear friends, ends the account of my adventures abroad. It is worth considering that, were it submitted for academic consideration, this epic tale would no doubt receive two Distinctions, a Credit, and a polite reminder from the philosophy department that not actually answering the question is, in theory, a failable offence. I would like to express my most sincere gratitude to my parents, especially my father, without whom this trip would have been little more than the fevered dream of a madman. I do hope that you are all as amused and exhausted by my adventures as I am, and find there is only one thing left to ask:
How has your week been?
P.S. Yes, I do still have the theme to Phantom of the Opera stuck in my head.
DAMN YOU ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER!