Dispatches from the wilds of unemployed belligerence

Once again, dear readers, we find ourselves witness to the political lunacy that deservedly earns that tag “only in America, folks!” I am speaking, of course, of the website Less Jobs, More Wars. Now, before you start lambasting me with incredulity; “what’s wrong with that?”, “that’s a great idea!”, &c., let me explain something: the site is satirical. That’s right. The truth of the matter is that their real beliefs are so palpably absurd that they’re practically obscene: these panty-waist liberals don’t actually believe in the excellent philosophy of less jobs and more wars. Quite the opposite; they actually want more jobs and less wars. That’s right, you heard me, MORE jobs, LESS wars. And what’s worse, they actually mock the rational (pro-unemployment, anti-pacifism) view. Extraordinary!

Indeed, even as you sit (undoubtedly at your office desk) reading this, the liberals are conspiring to steal your precious free time and replace it with back-breaking hard work! There was another political leader who gained prominence for revitalising a flagging economy and creating new jobs – you know what his name was? Hitler. That’s right, I said it, Godwin’s law be damned, these jerks are out-and-out Nazis. Not only is it bad enough that they think that you should be working more, but they want all sorts of other people in the workplace – women, for instance! even single mothers! Indeed, so great is their fetish for suffering (“employment” being the “politically correct” parlance) that they even want to put criminals in the workplace! If you don’t believe me, just ask one! They’ll tell you that “reformed criminals” deserve a “fair go” in the workplace – apparently we’re supposed to believe that just because they’ve “served their time”, little Johnny-baby-eater can be trusted with our precious paper-clips. NOT IN MY STATIONERY CUPBOARD, thankyouverymuch.

Now, as if all that wasn’t bad enough, they’ve decided to compound their sins by taking away our god-given right to blow shit (and people) up. Human beings love war, we revel in it – it’s in our very nature. We invented flint weapons before fire, the wheel, writing and religion. Just look at the predominant genres of computer games currently being sold: First Person Shooters and Real Time Strategy. We love movies like Saving Private Ryan, A Few Good Men and Forrest Gump. Who here can honestly say they didn’t stay up all night devouring Sun Tzu’s The Art of War the first time they read it? Who doesn’t get weak at the knees at the sight of John Rambo, Horatio Hornblower or Winston Churchill? There’s nothing we love more than a good war – so much so that we’ll go to war on the flimsiest of excuses. And yet these long-haired hippy pinkos want to take away a universal pastime that pre-dates history itself, an activity so natural even ants do it – and for what? Because it’s not “nice”? Not “good for us”? “A tool for major corporations to exploitatively reap huge profits at the expense of innocents”? Mark my words; give in, and they’ll use the same excuse to take candy from babies next. War is what makes the world a place worth living – just imagine a world without war; what would we do? Sit around crocheting place-mats? Have high tea and discuss the latest BBC miniseries staring Colin *swoon* Firth? The men of the world would end up such a bunch of pillow-biting nancy-boys that there sure as shootin’ wouldn’t be any baby makin’ getting done.

At least it would save them the trouble of stealing the candy.

Dispatches from the wilds of paranoia

(Wherein our intrepid hero breaks the biggest story never told)

My friends, I write to you to tell you of a grave and terrifying threat to our safety, security and future happiness. The war on terror is in error – it is an unwinnable battle against an unspecified enemy using funds that could well be directed elsewhere, at a far greater threat. According to the U.S. Department of State, (combined with this list on Wikipedia for the more recent statistics), an average of 70 people have died in the U.S. every year from terrorist attacks since 1961. This statistic, whilst sad, pales in comparison to the threat lurking amongst us. For secretly, in the shadows, under our very noses, there lurks a threat which kills fully 125 people every year. That’s almost double. What’s more, this reign of terror stretches back well beyond 1961; indeed, these silent killers have been practising their dark trade since before recorded history. And no, I’m not talking about ninjas – rather, this mass-murderer is none other than the humble peanut. That’s right: an ordinary peanut is twice as deadly as Osama Bin Laden.

It is for this reason that we must immediately redirect our attentions from the war on terror to the war on peanuts. However, the simple naked threat posed by these dangerous entities is, I know, not enough justification for the limp-wristed liberals out there. Therefore, I have compiled a set of further reasons as to why the peanut is the greatest threat the western world currently faces, and why it would be better to go to war with them:

1. January 14, 2002 – Mere months after the September 11 attacks, U.S. president George W. Bush chokes on a pretzel. What does this have to do with peanuts? Simple: peanuts and pretzels are both salty bar snacks. There is a clear and known association between them. It’s a known known. The connection between pretzels and peanuts could not be clearer, and this incident was undeniably an assassination attempt.

2. For the more cynical of you, it’s possible to extract oil from peanuts. It is almost certainly a lot easier than getting it out of the middle east.

3. We know where they are. Hell, you can find them at your local supermarket.

4. It’s an easier fight. You’re not going to need Nuclear Bunker Busters, Daisy Cutters or Laser-Guided Bullets for this one – a couple of combine harvesters and some DDT should do just fine.

5. June 6, 2007 – The cancelled television show Jericho is resurrected when the offices of CBS are inundated with 20 tonnes of peanuts – that’s 8 million of the blighters. The show, which revolves around the nuclear destruction of the United States of America, is quite obviously a hit with terrorists.

6. Every plane that has ever been hijacked, bombed, crashed, delayed, diverted, or had a Julia Roberts film on the in-flight entertainment system has one thing in common: they all had peanuts on board. Coincidence?

And the best part of it is, this isn’t some distant war being fought somewhere you can’t even find on a map; no, you can help fight this war right here, at home. I myself have peanut-butter on toast every morning – and as I bite into the smeared corpses of our greatest enemy, and grind the crisp fragments of their shattered bones between my teeth, I enjoy the fine, delicious flavour of patriotism.